Monday 9 October 2023



I had been challenged to meditate on the cross; to stand as it were with those women looking up at their suffering Lord. But how could I do this? I who try to shut out anything involving torture or abuse because of the nightmares that follow.

But God has been teaching me to come to that secret place where he has promised always to be there for me. So now, with his arm around me I ask, 

‘Father, how could you ignore the pleading of your Son in the garden, and even on the cross?’

Gently God took me back to the counsel of the godhead before the foundation of the earth. Even then they had known of the great rebellion that would arise, and they had known that a yet greater cure must be given. He reminded me how it was the Son, in whom was all their delight, who had stepped forward to say, ‘I, I will go.’ Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we had agreed together, and so now, I had to be deaf to the cry of my Beloved. I had to turn my face away.

‘Yes, I could have saved my Son, but……

I looked into those eyes and through them deep into the heart of the Father and it is helping me to understand.

Father, You so loved the world, so loved us, you and me, that You did not spare your Son, your only Son, your Beloved, so that we, believing, accepting, might receive this wonderful gift of life.

Father, Son and Holy Spirit, thank you for all that you suffered for us that we might come home to you. Hallelujah!

                                    THE FATHER HEART


The sheep are straying from the fold –

The Father- heart cannot withhold

The price to pay to turn them back.

But, who, who will go?


‘Twas You, Beloved, my only Son

Who counts the cost that must be done

To turn these lost rebellious ones.

‘I, Father, I will go.’


And so, He left his Father’s throne

For virgin’s womb, carpenter’s home –

Rejection, pain, the cross, the tomb.

Father, you let him go?


Yes, child, I gave my only Son

For you, who’d spurned my Holy One –

Deserving of death, that you might turn.

My arms are open! Come!




Monday 25 September 2023


‘’God binds up the broken hearted and heals their wounds.’

We have been going through the Psalms. Reaching Psalm 147, my heart leaped as I heard this verse read. I will never forget, for it was the first time that the Bible had come alive to me – a living word. I had not long come to trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I returned home having visited a lovely motherly Christian friend.

Her grief had been terrible to behold. Having been nursing both her elderly father and her beloved
husband, exhausted, she had cried out to God that she could not go on.

Her situation eased, but it was her husband who had died, not her aged father. She was covered in terrible sores all over her legs, wounds the result of her inexpressible grief.

I had been brought up to respect the Bible as God’s word but did not know God could speak to me through it, but now I had opened my Bible and here was this wonderful word. I knew God knew and he would bring our dear Auntie Em through her grief, and he did.

Since then, I have learned to live on God’s word as he speaks to me so many times through the Bible, and yes, I have come to prove for myself that God does indeed bind up the broken hearted, for he has bound up my broken heart and healed my wounds and does and will continue to do so, and I pray this for you too.

Some of my readers may have heard this story. I believed God had promised me a husband, but I also believed God was calling me to go to the mission field.  God would not expect me to go on my own, would he?

After I had settled into life in the highlands of New Guinea, John had arrived. It had seemed a fairy tale romance, but I was left with a broken heart, wounded indeed.

Nearing forty now, I felt I could no longer go on believing for a husband and children. Miraculously, God did heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. By faith, whatever my feelings, I learned to speak out, based on God’s word, ‘Lord, I am delighting myself in you and you are giving me the desires of my heart.’   

For the next ten years I fulfilled my calling. ‘The Little Children’s Mother,’ they called me, and I was a joyful mother of children, content, - but then God gently prepared me to hand over my responsibilities abroad.

I came home, from Ghana now, to find the husband God had for me. Recently bereaved, Joel and I had 26 joyous years together before God called him home.  

I knew that I had the husband God had chosen for me, but with this great joy was the possibility of great pain. But hadn’t the dream God gave me so long ago shown us walking together into the glory of God?

Joel had not passed his medical to be in the army yet survived many years on the mission field in good health. He reached eighty and was full of faith of what God was going to do through us. He was still preaching and then a viral infection attacked both of us. The doctor assured me he was over it but a few days later he was gone.


The morning he died, I had been into one of our Primary Schools to take an assembly and was able to share my joy with Joel, who had come to the door to welcome me, for as always, I had known the presence of Jesus, meeting with our children, blessing them, and yes, I had booked to go in again in four weeks’ time. A few hours later he was gone.

Yes, I was left with a broken heart, but we had had 26 wonderful, fruitful years together, and God has been here, binding it up, - healing my wounds.

The other day I was tempted to indulge in self-pity as I thought of friends who have had long years with their spouse and more than ready to soon join them, not the long years of loneliness that I have had.

Shame on me!  I needed to remind myself and declare to you too the faithfulness of the Lord.

Yes, a month after Joel died, I was back in the same school. Struggling with tears, but with Jesus and his joy in my heart.

I had heard about ‘Walk through the Bible’ while Joel was alive but was unable to attend the training course. Now it all opened. Such joy, such love. Tears for a few years, but all part of the healing, and hopefully a ministry to others struggling in the deep waters of sorrow.

Over twenty years a widow! My tears have long dried up, and the promise the Lord gave me, that ‘I would be able to turn ready and easily to him at all times as to a friend alongside.’  This is still true. But still we are meant for a mate and there is pain in being alone.

Even in my grief I knew God had honoured Joel. Eighty-one years old, he was preaching a fortnight before he died. He hadn’t suffered and he hadn’t seen old age. I could have been left with an invalid to care for, instead of which I was well provided for, in good health and able now to get more involved in the schools’ ministry, which I so enjoyed.

Then there was our church in Porthcawl. We believed God had told us that now was the time and almost Joel’s last words were, ‘I believe God is going to do great things.’

It was soon after Joel died that I heard of Brackla’s plans to start a church for Porthcawl. The prophetic dream given to Joel was coming to pass. Grace Community Church is indeed the fruitful bough God had shown us, from the beginning, and I am privileged to be in membership with them, still able to pray and encourage.

I am so thankful for you faithful widows who have been such a shining example to me of living as overcomers. May we still be encouragers to others. I may be in a Care Home, but Jesus is with and in me and I know He has sent me to bless others as well as to be cared for, so let us learn day by day to give thanks in everything. God is good, in it all.


Butterfly gentle caress

 on the brow of the sleeping child

Father heart strong embrace

for the son turned again from the wild


Peace in the place of warfare

                 Tears kissed from the sorrowful one

 Ardent strength of the lover who knows

                life is only begun


But what of the kiss of our Maker

                breathing life in the form he had made?

And the worshipful kiss of the maiden

                In whose arms as a babe he was laid?

The cost of the kiss of our Saviour

                crossing out all the wrongs we have done?

And the bliss of the kiss of our Lord for his Church

                At the marriage feast of the Lamb?



Asked when he last gave his wife flowers, my husband replied that he gave me flowers every day –
‘two-lips’. After Joel’s death, setting out to see the tulip field of Holland, God gave me this fragrant meditation


 ‘Righteousness and peace have kissed each other.’ Psalm 85:10 

Saturday 12 August 2023


 I believe God wants me to share this story of answered prayer, especially for those of you who have been praying for me since I moved into a Care Home, that though I was disabled in many ways, that God would use me there.

Such a wonderful answer to prayer. It begins with Ross praying over the telephone.

We had a dear lady with dementia, very frightened and confused, but also very strong in body. She thought it was her task to care for us all. Unfortunately, I had upset her and now she was acting aggressively to anyone who came near her. I had apologised but she would never forgive me. She was behaving aggressively to everyone within reach I phoned a friend and asked him to pray for peace in this situation. No sooner had he said Amen and I had put the phone down than I looked up and this lady was at my bedroom door.

She was not supposed to come upstairs, but she had been exploring. Gently I welcomed her, holding out my arms and she walked into them. Amazingly Matron then appeared and took her downstairs, but this dear lady has treated me as her friend ever since. Her language and behaviour might not be all that might be desired, but I think we are all trying to use more understanding and the staff are keeping her busy with little jobs, for she still thinks she is here to look after us all.

I know that I am very privileged to be a resident in such a wonderful caring home. Though it had meant giving up my independent living in my spacious two-bedroom flat, the Lord had assured me that I would still be a missionary.  But I am no longer coming in as a preacher as when Joel, my husband and I used to take a service so long ago. They all know I go to church. How else would they know it was Sunday if it were not for Pauline going to church?
But today I walked through the lounge to find this lady standing alone, maybe wondering where she was and what she was supposed to be doing, so I walked up to give her a little cwtch. She responded

‘You’re happy aren’t you.’ It was a statement, not a question, and went on, ‘You’ve got Jesus, but somehow I can’t get through.’

Not the time or place for a prayer, but a door wide open as God again wonderfully answers prayer. I believe he will lead this lady, and others too through her, to find this peace and joy that we have through Jesus our wonderful Saviour.

So thank you, praying friends. Let’s keep on praying and seeing God answer our prayers.

Meanwhile I am marvelling at what God has done in my life.  I remember when I first began to attend a little Apostolic church and someone chose a hymn, ‘I feel like singing all the time.’

How could that be true for anyone? It certainly wasn’t for me. I so soon would tumble into a pit of depression.  But now, as this dear lady had seen, Jesus is with me all the time and yes, I am happy.

And if ever depression does try to intrude then I know it is time to praise the Lord, yes, and to count my blessings.

Tuesday 11 July 2023


 Since my episode in hospital, I had found it hard to return to a regular prayer time. I needed help and it was at hand.

After some readings which pointed in the right direction, I found God was using my godly imagination. My upward climb had brought me to a mighty temple and a voice from within assured me that the door was not locked, and that it would always be open to me.

Photo by <a href="">tabitha turner</a> on <a href="">Unsplash</a>Without a struggle I found myself within and knew I was in the presence of our Almighty God and Father, but he did not look up. He was aware of my presence, but also of my  interest, but what was he doing? He seemed to be at work on some masterpiece. He who created every star and planet, every tiny creature or beautiful plant, was working on something very special. But what, or perhaps who could it be?

It was a few days later that I had the answer. We have been deeply concerned to hear of the trial through which a godly friend has been going through. How could God have allowed such an injustice and seemingly unnecessary suffering to our lovely friend?

God allowed my memory to carry me back to the scene in the temple of God’s holiness, where he had been watching so tenderly over the masterpiece on which he was working. Lovingly he assured me that our friend was in his sight and in his care and that he would only allow that which he could turn to good in her walk with her Saviour.

Wonderful Lord. Help us to trust you in the hardest circumstances and to praise you, even when we cannot understand.

Thursday 15 June 2023

U-Room, D-Day

 The year was 1981 and now, more than thirty years later I am recalling the sweet words of my husband to be, for it was the date of our wedding. Just turned fifty, I had thought marriage had passed me by. How thankful I was that I had not had to wait to be married to find contentment. But now, after a good and fruitful first marriage with his Betty while I fulfilled my calling as ‘the Little Children’s Mother’  first in the highlands of New Guinea and then in Ghana, after

Betty’s sudden and totally unexpected death, Joel and I had been led very clearly to this very different D Day.

‘D for Delight.’ It was. For eight years I was privileged to minister with Joel as a pastor’s wife, then after we settled into retirement in Porthcawl gradually opportunities opened for me in the schools. It was then that God called me to write and Joel and I worked together  to organise the annual South Wales Christian Writers Days.

Joel was great at suggestions and happy for me to do the organising. But now I was learning that special gift of delegating. ‘Godliness with contentment’ was no problem, for I had learned   that lesson after a broken heart When Joel did not recover from the viral infection which had attacked us both it left me bereft but with a full diary of commitments.

The day he died I had taken an early assembly and happily booked in for another in a month’s time. I knew this was a commitment I must keep. Then wonderfully a door opened for  me to train to teach ‘Walk through the Bible.’ While God never told me not to cry, as tears are all part of the healing but now, all too soon it seemed, I was coming up to ninety. By I could no longer drive but God was not speaking to me about retiring. Then very gently, for me, came LOCK DOWN. The decision was made for me

Long, quiet days shut in my Eagle’s Nest for uninterrupted writing. Yes, of course I missed my wonderful husband but it was when I was living above the clouds in the mountains of New Guinea that my heart was broken by my Prince Charming that I had been challenged to speak out the promises of God. I dared to speak out – ‘I am delighting myself in the Lord and he is giving me the desires of my heart.’

 God cannot deny his own word. How I needed to speak this out now – and yes, I still do, and still he is giving me the desires of my heart.

A totally unexpected heart attack and cardiac arrest had prepared me, so I thought for heaven, and I was happy to move from my independent living in my ‘Eagle’s Nest,’ and I was welcomed into Pinehurst, where Joel and I used to go in to take a service many years before and then the Ladies of ‘Grace’ had carried on to visit regularly.

I no longer have the privilege of being an invited visitor and have to earn the right to speak into situations. I find now God is giving me the privilege to write someone a special birthday blessing, and though it is sometimes a struggle to tackle the computer again and it would be easier to join the ‘nodders’ who sit in the lounge and doze, I am so very thankful for those who refuse to let me rust away and who are always available, making sure that I have a lift to church or the help I need to sort out my problems on the computer.

Well, we may not have special dates to help us remember or may even waiting for those longed for dates to recall, but we have the same wonderful God who loves us and is planning for us in love. Let’s say with King David, ‘This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.’(Psalm 118:24)









Wednesday 19 April 2023


Our Pete, has printed out for us an inspiring account of the miracles he has experienced in his life. This got me to wondering. I have had a long and yes, an exciting life, but miracles? There must have been some, and yet?

You may not think of them as miracles and yet I know it is only through divine intervention that I am here, 92 years old and still being published to bless others. Isn’t that miraculous, that I was able to hear and know it was God’s voice calling me to write and giving me a husband who was also into writing and who encouraged me all the way?

I remember the time, years before, when my pastor told me I must give up all thought of being a missionary because I did not have the health. My colleagues who welcomed me onto the remote mission field in the highlands of Papua New Guinea shared his opinion. ‘Give her a few months,’ they had forecast, but I outstayed many of them, and though eventually circumstances forced me to leave, it was to gain further qualification before joining another team in Ghana, Africa, to do the work God had shown me in my early days in Papua New Guinea.

Then there was my wonderful years working with Joel, the miracle of timing that had brought me into  Wales at the time when his lovely Betty had died, so unexpectantly to others but not to God. How God had given me the gift of contentment in my singleness, so that I could be ‘the little children’s mother’ as they has called me, in both Papua New Guinea and Ghana, and now the wife that Joel needed coming up to retirement and on.

Happy, fruitful years. I could write a book.

‘Wings of the Morning,’ was with a publisher when Joel died, and so did the editor who had promised to bring my life story to birth, but as I learned after more than twenty wonderful years of married bliss that this was not the end of my life story, and there were more chapters to be written before my life story was eventually published, with
Bas Evans wonderful painting of an eagle in flight adorning the cover. I believe it is still available to purchase from Amazon, but I no longer have copies available to give away.

Photo by Lars Kuczynski on Unsplash

At the great age of ninety two,  my siblings, who both made it to university having suffered from dementia before their death I am now pronounced of a sound mind and enjoy keeping in touch with my friends through this blog and still in receipt of the occasional cheque from the publishers of ‘The Upper Room.’

No, I make no claim to miracles, but I do give all the glory to the faithfulness of our God, who ‘so loved the world that he gave his only Son’ that if I would believe in him, would not perish but enjoy life both now and in eternity.

And it is surely God himself who made a way for me receive wonderful nursing care in a care home where Joel and I used to come to take a service so many years ago, and also the love and care of Grace community church who make sure that someone will be sure to transport me to get well fed spiritually and continue to be a well loved member of their community.

Maybe not miracles – but pretty close I would say, and something to talk or write about and give glory to God.



Tuesday 24 January 2023

A Time to Die

Yes, but it had seemed such a convenient time for  me to die. There I was already in hospital and likely to be in need of far more care than I already had.

But here I was, celebrating my nineties, with such thankfulness that God had not
answered my knocking so hard on heaven’s door.

When I was eighty I had carefully selected those who had been of special significance in my life, but now it was a different story. The facilities of The Rest were sadly no longer available, and my financial position was very different since God had wonderfully provided for me to have the nursing care I now needed.

Joel and I used to visit there to take a service, and after his death I was delighted when the ladies of Grace took over this ministry. And so now I have a loving caring family, and have taken on the self-appointed position of birthday poem writer.

Two days before I had been writing a birthday poem for a special twenty year old and then, realising no one was likely to write one  (I was wrong) that I needed to write one for me.

So with deep gratitude to all those who are giving me joy in living in so many ways, and very especially to our wonderful Hyelim who has given me the desire of my heart in letting me hear my favourite hymn sung before my funeral, and who knows but Jesus may have come to surprise us all.



Not yet, not yet to reach God’s mountain peak

Still heights to challenge on His chosen way

Not ours to choose our time for reaching home

So  let’s  cheer each other  in God’s  Pilgrim Way


He’s giving us fresh garments to put on

And songs of praise to sound our joy abroad

New strength when ours seems almost gone

Join with God’s church to welcome others home


Thank God for every birthday we have passed

And those who walk with us this Pilgrim  way

Reaching old age with all his promises

We’ll joyful know his blessings day by day

                        Pauline Lewis